Contemplations

I would like

When I think about who I would like to be I can’t imagine myself being anybody specific like a teacher, an engineer, a doctor or a plumber. I like to write but I don’t see myself as an English wiz or a journalist. Grammar can really give me fits.

I do like to explore. I like to push some limits and see what I am capable of. I like to keep journals of my excursions. If I could make money off of my journals then I would do that. I believe that I can get insight that others miss. I am patient, yet driven; observant, yet active.

So that would be my dream career. Full of adventure, self-paced, driven by my own curiosity. I don’t know if I could be a travel writer, but that would be cool to try. I would like to be free to choose any subject that catches my interest and focus on that for a time. I could go as far in depth as I wished.

That is why writing for a magazine looked attractive to me. But since that kind of writing is kind of hit and miss I think I will need a better plan. An ideal position would be to have my name branded and known for good quality, interesting journals on whatever subject I choose. A published journal series would be ideal. Sort of like a tv show but in writing, like a book. I think an eBook would be good to start out with but al fin de todo me gustaria tener mi propio biblioteca de mis libros en papel.

What kind of subjects would I like to explore?

Survival, hiking, treks into specific places, entrepreneurship, creating a product, building something, stuff like Jeremy does; learning something new every year. Aquaponics, raising animals, food (finding, growing, processing, eating), blacksmithing. And I would also write about ideas and philosophy.

I’d like to do stuff like that because that is what I end up doing with my time anyway, even without getting paid. If I could just support myself and a family then I would count myself a very fortunate man. I would be a happy man.

I can see myself with a house in the country. A large estate with plenty of land on which to work. A shop with all kinds of tools. A studio full of books and a desk to write at, a nice big window to see the view and get natural light. Books like encyclopedias, classics, and a range of books on the kinds of subjects I investigate. And one whole shelf dedicated to my own works, each with the same leather-bound cover and same height, though the thickness may vary.

I would have spent my life doing stuff that I love while leaving behind a lot of information for my children and grand children. What kind of legacy is that? Well, a much better legacy than that of a plumber. I can give a life of service, demonstrate good values, even teach. I can also show them that they can achieve whatever they set their heart on.

As great as this all sounds I can’t help but feel a twinge of doubt as to whether this would be a worth while dedication of my life. I have to ask myself, what’s wrong with it? What could I be missing in life by doing this? Is there some essential part of life that I would have to sacrifice? God? No. Family? No. Country? No. By nature this would be an occupation that would require me to be informed. I might have to forfeit the corporate ladder, the rat race, and a host of other such insignificant facets. Those kinds of experiences might be all I miss out on, but isn’t that the point? I know how to work. I have done plenty of that. I have gone to school, and anything else I might need to learn I could go learn.

Would I be depriving my family of anything? Did I feel deprived of anything while Dad made himself an artist working at home? Heck no! I loved it. I think that my kids will have a very interesting upbringing. I will have the freedom to learn a lot and to develop my thoughts and ideas, as well as plenty of time and opportunities to teach my children.

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Rain on the windshield

The other day I took my lunch break to a city park where you can look out on the ponds and natural landscape. There I sat and ate a bologna sandwich and wished I had an apple to complete the meal. Others came and went, also on lunch break. I’m sure there would have been many more if it hadn’t been raining.

The rain helped accentuate my mood. Was i depressed? Not really, but I was yearning for clarity and perspective. That’s what I like about the rain. I discover that my car is green and not brown. The rain reveals true values. In the soft grey lighting there are no shadows to distort the colors. Everything is sharply defined yet blends in a sort of harmony with everything else making it easy on the eyes. Things far away and unimportant fade in the mist and let one focus only on his immediate surroundings. Ones shadow leaves and his reflection appears.

The louder facets of life are dulled and put down just like the drenched flags limply waving under the weight of the water. Trucks on the highway push along at a steady pace resigned to stay busy. Man is not a machine. He is affected by his environment ,but has the choice to act or react. When I see a pretty picture I just want to stare at it until i can pinpoint the feelings that I am experiencing. however that luxury isn’t often available.

I think that writing can let one transmit a feeling or a mood just as effectively as a picture or a song if it is done right. I want to reach that  capability, not to be a tear-jerker but to express myself effectively. Words are powerful, they can help one to change perspective or paradigm. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, I think that is because the right word is hard to find. The chances of hitting a bull’s eye are greater if your bullet is bigger than the entire target. That is not accuracy, it is overkill. I wish I could write like a rainy day.

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Enough Already

Sometimes life feels like a car that is going too fast and you are getting pushed into the seat and getting the willies.

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